{"id":7913,"date":"2018-02-24T12:38:39","date_gmt":"2018-02-24T20:38:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.elizabethbader.com\/elizabethbadersblog\/?p=7913"},"modified":"2022-05-20T12:54:56","modified_gmt":"2022-05-20T19:54:56","slug":"emancipation-hatred-trauma-mediation-spirituality-trauma-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.elizabethbader.com\/elizabethbadersblog\/emancipation-hatred-trauma-mediation-spirituality-trauma-work\/","title":{"rendered":"Emancipation from Hatred and Trauma in Mediation, Spirituality and Trauma Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

Inspired by Daniel Shaw\u2019s book, Traumatic Narcissism,<\/a> I wish to discuss what Shaw calls “detachment” and “emancipation” as a factor in mediation, trauma and spirituality.<\/span>1<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Toward an Emancipation from Hatred in Mediation
<\/strong><\/h4>\n

\"\"<\/a>First, a story from one of my mediations.<\/span>2<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Judith had been lovers with Eric, her former \u00a0business partner. \u00a0There was a breakup. Eric was now with another woman.<\/p>\n

Judith told me she had also been abused by her father.\u00a0 She let me know she hated both her father and Eric.<\/p>\n

Judith was using her considerable wealth to go after Eric in litigation.<\/p>\n

One day I had the insight that Judith\u2019s hatred of Eric was her way of exorcising him from her heart.\u00a0 I was inspired to say this to Judith:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cYou know when you actually want to be free of someone, to get rid of them, the idea is you kind of walk away and have nothing to do with them. This is really the best way to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

There was a palpable silence. Judith had never really thought of this way of leaving Eric. Things seemed to change for the better after this moment.<\/p>\n

Judith was beginning to see a path to detachment from Eric and a way to move on.<\/p>\n

Healing from Trauma: \u201cBut What Do I Do?\u201d: Aim Toward Emancipation<\/strong><\/h4>\n

\"\"<\/a>In Traumatic Narcissism<\/a>,\u00a0 Shaw discusses common emotional strategies people use to deal with the psychological residues caused by traumatizing narcissists, including narcissistic parents.<\/p>\n

Relying on case histories, Shaw considers and rejects the following strategies: hatred, indifference, self-sacrifice and “forgiveness.”<\/span>3<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

What Shaw does embrace as a solution is to \u201cbear the pain\u201d but to move toward detachment<\/em>, to inner freedom from the\u00a0 traumatizer.\u00a0\u00a0He suggests the process of detachment occurs when the patient has simply processed his or her childhood issues to the point where they are no longer troublesome. Perhaps they even become boring.<\/p>\n

The patient can hopefully arrive at \u201cemancipation.”\u00a0 Emancipation brings with it the ability to develop a new,\u00a0 independent, coherent sense of self and to relate to others.\u00a0 One is able to move on. <\/span>4<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Neurobiology: Uncoupling the Trigger<\/strong><\/h4>\n

I think there is a parallel between what Shaw calls detachment and the fruits of somatic trauma work.<\/p>\n

From the perspective of trauma work, “detachment” occurs when the body\u2019s response to a stimulus is no longer \u201ccoupled\u201d or “overcoupled” in the nervous system with a sympathetic flight\/fight response.<\/span>5<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Thus, healing happens when the traumatic triggers no longer trigger us\u00a0 anymore, not when we try to make a situation \u201cright\u201d which was never right to begin with.<\/p>\n

Although the emphasis in systems such as Somatic Experiencing is on somatic processing, it is also coupled ideally with a relationship between the practitioner and the client which is supportive and attuned.\u00a0 Thus, it implicitly helps to develop the client’s newly emerging sense of self.<\/p>\n

The Spiritual Dimension of Detachment and \u201cEmancipation\u201d<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Although Shaw is famously an expert on cults, and discusses them in his book, he does not specifically bring spirituality into his discussion of \u201cemancipation.\u201d\u00a0 But of course freedom and emancipation are core values in many spiritual traditions.<\/p>\n

Gurdjieff, for example, introduced to the West the idea of the importance of developing the capacity for \u201cnon-identification,\u201d the\u00a0 capacity to let go of the ubiquitous, mechanical human tendency to \u201cidentify\u201d the self with\u00a0 each incoming stimulus.<\/span>6<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Nonidentification is also the root of many meditation practices, such as mindfulness practices in which one disengages from thoughts to remain focused on presence.<\/p>\n

In spiritual practice, the second aspect of emancipation that Shaw identifies— the ability to form a new, autonomous self and to engage “intersubjectively” with others — is often given short shrift.\u00a0 The result, as I have explained here<\/a>, is a tendency toward cult-like or unproductive self-abnegation. This is unhealthy.<\/p>\n

On Attachment and Emancipation<\/strong><\/h4>\n

The denial of the self also often renders spiritual practitioner’s attempts to realize their good intentions in the world ineffective.<\/p>\n

For example, the reader might assume that what I said<\/em> to Judith was the important part of the story above. It was not.<\/p>\n

What I said came through to her because a palpable bond had formed between us — a type of attachment that can and does occur fairly often in mediation when parties are open to it.<\/p>\n

It was, however, also important that I was not recommending “forgiveness.”\u00a0 I was directly discussing the value of detachment, which it turned out was what she really needed.<\/p>\n

Also, although I felt compassion, I was certainly not attempting to be “compassionate.” She would have hated that.\u00a0 Rather this was more of a discussion between equals.\u00a0 This made everything else possible.<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/strong><\/h4>\n

This tension between our attachments and our need to differentiate and separate (\u201cuncouple\u201d if you will) is one of the mysteries we negotiate most or all of the time.\u00a0 True \u201cdetachment\u201d is necessary for \u201cemancipation\u201d to take place.<\/p>\n

Once we begin to achieve even a small level of detachment, we hopefully become able to re-couple (my word), to form new lives and possibly new attachments. Or at least, hopefully, we become more able to resolve our conflicts from a place of realistic resolution,<\/span>7<\/sup><\/a><\/span> where we focus on our own best interests,\u00a0not our reactivity.<\/p>\n

\n

\"Shaking<\/a>Notes<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

\n <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Inspired by Daniel Shaw\u2019s book, Traumatic Narcissism, this post discusses “detachment” and “emancipation” from hatred and trauma in mediation, trauma work and spirituality.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1568,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[115,13,67,27,75,56,98,26,17,79,9,49,55,121],"tags":[107,23,106,110,39,62,32,29,108,101,61,47],"class_list":["post-7913","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hatred","category-healing-trauma","category-mediation-2","category-mediation","category-resolving-conflict","category-mediation-training","category-neuroscience-of-mediation","category-peter-levine","category-process-of-mediation","category-psychology-of-conflict-resolution","category-psychology-of-mediation","category-spirituality-and-trauma","category-the-spiritual-journey","category-trauma-informed-mediation","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-mediation","tag-peter-levine","tag-psychology-of-conflict-resolution","tag-psychology-of-mediation-2","tag-ptsd","tag-somatic-experiencing","tag-spirituality","tag-spirituality-and-trauma","tag-the-psychology-and-neurobiology-of-mediation","tag-trauma","tag-trauma-healing","has-post-title","has-post-date","has-post-category","has-post-tag","has-post-comment","has-post-author",""],"yoast_head":"\nEmancipation 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